Ok so its nothing fancy so far but Im working on it, Now that im entering the Second Trimester I'll have plenty of energy to keep doing the things I enjoy/hate.
I hate the fact that I have to leave all my old posts behind lots of memories in those but I can always go back and look on them if I want to.
New life/New beginnings I guess =)
A lot of things have gone down this week... the place where I was at up till 2 days ago it was really starting to get to me, like grate on me, the same shit every day, the drama, the in and out the bustle, the chaos it was literally driving me insane. I couldn't take it and I needed a break from it, I needed an excuse to get away and I knew I couldn't go home, since the place where I was staying only allows you out 1 time a week. So I needed something that could be used as a medical excuse to get out of there. It was a spontaneous spur of the moment decision and at the minute I made it I was upset but I knew I had to get away from where I was for at least a week. So this is what I did.
So I checked myself into Rhode Island Hospital saying I was "depressed" , they stuck me in D pod again, just incase I wanted to "hurt myself" which wasnt the case at all. I just wanted a break. They were going to release me that night but I knew that I couldn't go back there, if I did I thought I might go crazy I knew I needed to get away from there for a few days. So I told them that if they sent me to an outpatient center that I wouldn't go, I just felt that whats the point really I mean if I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning what makes you think im going to drag myself out of bed to go to a center to make me feel better, I could always just say fuck it I dont want to go.
I was 2 seconds away from flipping out, I just basically told them to get my shit and that I was leaving when they gave me another option, to go to an in patient treatment center, they called it an NRI Subacute unit and it was at a place called SStar in North Kingston.
It wasn't what I exactly wanted, I wanted to be put in treatment at Rhode Island Hospital but it was better than being sent back to the hell hole I called home for a month or so, so I said fine I'll go.
So apparently because my insurance says I have to, I ended up being picked up by an ambulance which took me over to Sstar which is like this big log cabin in the woods somewhere... apparently Sstar isn't just for people with depression its for people who are going into detox, alcoholics, drug addicts. I was pretty much going to a rehab center and thats exactly what it looked like.
At first by judging from the people who did my intake and by looking in the fridge I thought this place was run by a bunch of hippies, the guy who took me in was all jolly and happy and the fridge had hummus and orange juice, almost all healthy shit. Intake is a long process so your first day is like all questions and just inventory of all your stuff.
They did a pregnancy test and of course I was positive, I guess I am the first one in years to come to Sstar and pass a pregnancy test.
I basically told them my history with depression, how I felt, if I wanted to hurt myself now blah blah blah same as Rhode Island when I went there.
I came straight from the hospital too so I had no spare clothes and whats worse is they wouldn't let me use my makeup because it was "open" and I guess people can sneak in drugs or whatever in makeup so I spent 6 days there without my make up, I must have looked like a hot mess.
My room was this big empty space with two beds a large window and my own bathroom, I had a room mate for about 2 hours before she left really pissed off at the place for some reason, so I was all yay my own room, no snoring, no noise just me.
I tried to take a shower, and of course I got screwed no hot water, my insurance is paying for this by the way. So the whole time I was there I ended up having to use the one next door or across the hall.
They would have group like every hour or so mostly educational things where you just read papers, you have a lot of free time they have arts and crafts you can do. They have a tv and a Wii and movies but you can only use those at night time. So during the day I was really bored, I ended up painting a wooded snake and making a T-rex model and painting that. I think when I get some money I'd like to take some art classes its really therapeutic and it puts your mind off all the crap you may be worried about.
The food was really good, for breakfast they bring in pastry, for lunch and dinner you'd go to the cafeteria and they'd have a set meal of whatever was made for that day and a full salad bar, only thing that sucked was waiting for everyone to finish and we had one girl who just talked through her whole meal so we'd be waiting there for eons.
After about 4 days of being there I met my councilor who looked about my age and seemed like she had absolutely no interest in what I had to say, she gave me a phone pass to call Haji which allowed me to call him ONCE a day. Which really pissed me off. The one support system I have and I can only call him once a day.
"Oh your suppose to be here for you...blahblahblah" So what the people back home no longer exist now that your here at Sstar?
I guess while all of this was going on, my parents had been trying to call my phone they took my cell phone away so I couldn't use it, I didn't tell them where I was going I didn't want anyone to visit me or worry or I just wanted it to be me getting away from EVERYTHING.
I guess my parents started to worry since I had my phone off so they sat for days wondering where I was before they finally decided to file a Missing persons report on me..
My dad called the police, detectives were out looking for me, they went to where I was staying showing them my picture, Haji meanwhile was in the hospital someone apparently tried to steal his phone, my parents called an old number that I had a long time ago hoping that it would be either me or Haji to pick it up and apparently whoever was on the other end was a major asshole getting his kicks because when they asked him where I was the person on the other end of the line said I was dead.
Which really freaked them out, because they didnt know if it was true or not. Whoever that guy was he must have felt really sorry he did that because next thing you know detectives were at his house interrogating him about my "disappearance". Dumbass.
My dad finally caught up with Haji and before this they never actually talked one on one and my dad was really pissed off at first cause he thought maybe the person on the other line was him. But they talked for awhile, he told him where I was, they came to an understanding I guess, I'm glad they finally got to meet I mean he is the father of my kid afterall it was inevitable. Either there or the delivery room. Just wish it was under better circumstances. So my dad called Sstar which could not confirm or deny I was there, but the staff told me and I called him back. They must have been relieved. I never thought I'd go that far I just thought I'd go there in out no questions asked.
But the good thing about all this was they said I had to come home. I guess when my dad went to talk to Haji he got a big taste of what I had to deal with where I was staying at. So they decided to bring me back home. That I didn't belong there, which I was relieved because I really did want to go home. I missed it, despite how boring it may be, its the best thing for the baby right now.
In a way I'm glad I did what I did because I'd still be out there if I hadn't.
After all that happened I just decided then and there to go home, I had a day left of "rehab" but I said screw it this is too much stress for me to take here. I need to know whats going on. I left that day. I was pissed off at Haji beacuse all this was going on and he wasnt answering his phone. I had no idea what had happened and he didnt know the number for Sstar to call me.
So right now im home typing this out, very bored, times like this I wish I had my 360 back or my old computer so I can play SOMETHING..my PS2 isnt even hooked up...I have no car.
But it really could be worse =p.
I'm 4 months pregnant as of today =) Its going by so fast, I don't even feel 4 months, im barely showing. no symptoms other than backache and slightly larger belly, No cravings really. Seems like pregnancy is a piece of cake so far.
My birthday is next Friday =) I'm really excited, Haji is taking me out and then we might do something for Christmas I hope..I'm going to be 24...never thought I'd be pregnant..married maybe but pregnant. Totally came out of left field. But thats life throws you surprises sometimes =p.
I'm not sure when the next ultrasound will be, i'm anxious though because im pretty sure we'll be able to find out the sex. Still deciding if I want it to be a surprise or not.
Of all the lifes surprises this one really would be a surprise. But can I wait that long lol
Whether I find out or not I'll be sure to post pictures =)
